It’s always hard for me to enjoy things going well properly as I always feel that something awful was going to happen to pull me back down again. That feels incredibly sad and another thing I am fighting. I don’t quite believe it when things are going ok and when I do well at something etc I feel like a fraud that I will be found out. Even when I got my degree (First Class Honours) I still discounted that achievement to myself. I don’t seem capable of simply saying “Well Done”, enjoying the moment. I find this trait quite annoying in others; for example when the sun is shining my husband might say “But it’s going to rain later” and my response is usually “Let’s enjoy the sun while we’ve got it” but perhaps I get irritated because I can identify with that trait in myself and don’t like it (PS remind me to set myself a challenge to write a whole blog not using the word “but”, but maybe I’m not ready for that yet!)
Anyway back to the wittering and what made me think of these things. Yesterday I had a bit of a light bulb moment: I realised I was doing something well without having to do a great deal. I don’t mean I was slacking but I didn’t have to do too much for the process to be successful so I didn’t, it was the right thing to do (I’m very good at doing the right thing – more of that another time) and I was told I did my job well. It dawned on me, thinking it through afterwards, that I realised that being me was enough and that felt great, it felt like I had learned a great deal about myself. And I am now sitting here enjoying the moment trying really, really hard not to qualify that statement, talking about how things will change again but just stopping, accepting it. It feels good.