I’ve not been well, actually I have a serious health problem which has been hanging over my head for a few years now. I try not to think about it most of the time as there’s nothing I can do until my next check-up but I have a horrible feeling of things going on inside me that I know nothing about. I don’t think like that most of the time, but in the early hours when my brain goes into overdrive it’s hard to be rational or sensible. I just feel scared.
I was talking to someone about it the other day and she told me to look after myself. I find that such an emotional instruction: I am good at looking after other people (husband, kids) but I find it nearly impossible to do that to myself, be kind to myself. So what did I do? I went home and ate, and ate, and ate. Classic comfort eating. It took a couple of days for me to realise that the last thing I was doing was looking after myself, I was punishing myself, punishing my body, and not making myself feel any better by doing it. For so many years I have felt that having an uncontrolled outlook to my food is a way of treating myself but I really know, deep down when I think sensibly, that this isn’t a treat at all. A couple of days of uncontrolled eating just makes me feel pathetic, guilty and FAT! I know fat isn’t a feeling so maybe I should say I feel heavy, lethargic, worthless.
So now I have stopped. I want to eat well to make myself feel better, to give myself the best chance of good health, to take real care of myself. It can’t be that difficult, can it?