I am feeling really edgy, so edgy that I felt I needed to write, to put down what’s going through my head. Hopefully by doing that I can get it out of my mind and let me get on with life. Well I can hope, can’t I?
Life seems to be happening out of my reach at the moment: there are so many things that I am waiting for, mainly to hear back from other people, that I feel powerless, drifting without purpose, and unable to motivate myself to do anything that I could do. The things that are within my control I just can’t seem to motivate myself to start, if that makes sense. I realise that if one of the things I am waiting for started happening then I would feel motivated to do these other things but without that I feel restless, shiftless, de-motivated, angry, fed-up…. Yes, I feel a lot of things.
Perhaps all that makes me a control freak, maybe I am struggling because so many things are outside of my control. Or maybe I am just having to cope with treading water at the moment. I have done different things, I have rung a friend who I normally don’t ring, fearing rejection, but rejection feels like a big theme in my life at the moment.
I didn’t get a job I wanted. It went to someone who I don’t rate and I suppose that has made me doubt myself, perhaps I am not as good as I think I am. I messaged someone who I thought was a friend and she said she’d get back to me with some dates but I’ve heard nothing. Is it an oversight or something more? I feel paralysed with old feelings, feeling like I don’t matter, that I’m not good enough, feelings from the past. My sensible mind tells me I am making too much of it all and just as quickly as these things have dragged me down things can move in the opposite direction and pull me back up. I am telling myself to have patience, enjoy the peace, the lack of things I have to do, stop being hard on myself and, most of all, tell those boring negative voices that are determined to drag me down to shut up!